Ade Rixon

The Questionnaire

Ade Rixon was born in Warrington in May 1970. After five years studying and working at Aberystwyth University, he joined Elsevier Science in Oxford but left when it suddenly occurred to him that he could. Following a spell as a consultant for Grenville Consulting, he undertook a confidential role in sales support with RSi Solutions, attempting to discover what "RSi" stood for and what he was supposed to be doing. Although not religious, he worries that this has tarnished his soul. He now works for a major UK ebrokerage which he cannot name to protect himself, but mainly others. Sometimes he feels like this. When plied with ale, he describes himself as a "postmodern renaissance man for the ironic age"; feeding this into a spell checker produced "beer-drinking troglodyte". He lives in Manchester with his wife Mary-Lou and their cat Poppy, and is singularly difficult to appreciate fully.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?: Summer in Aber, forever.
What is your greatest fear?: Buying a Wet Wet Wet album because I wanted to.
With which historical figure do you most identify?: The men who burnt Joan of Arc; why do women always have such cold feet?
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?: Sarcasm. (Yeah, right.)
What is the trait you most deplore in others?: Asking for it.
What has been your most embarrassing moment?: The time I nearly substituted blackcurrant jam for redcurrant jelly in a recipe for "Pan fried chicken and apple", simultaneously confirming every dumb drummer joke.; ...Actually, there have been far more embarrassing moments but jesus, dude, you think I want to go there again??
What vehicles do you own?: Mk III Golf TDi (colour: purple; rust: model's own); neglected bike; Brush Type 4 (in my dreams).
What is your greatest extravagance?: Mountains of books.
What objects do you always carry with you?: Small planet glued to my feet.
What makes you depressed?: Reading any tabloid newspaper and realising that many people do. Then reading a broadsheet and finding more of the same, only with pretensions.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?: Nothing. What do you dislike about it, buttface?
What is your most unappealing habit?: If they didn't appeal, they wouldn't be habits.
What is your favourite smell?: Bin juice!
What is your favourite word?: Ta.
What is your favourite building?: Radcliffe Camera, Oxford. Needs moving 165 miles north though.
What is your favourite journey?: From anywhere to Aber.
What is your favourite book?: "Consultancy Exposed" by A.J. Rixon, because it will mean giving up my job.
What is your favourite fantasy?: Gunning down dawdling shoppers in cold blood.
How did you vote in the last election?: Ask Trafford Council, they had my polling card.
How will you vote in the next election?: Not for the Tories, whichever party represents them.
Should the Royal Family be scrapped?: It's going so well, I think we should scrap "God and country" too.
Do you believe in capital punishment?: Deserving acquaintances spring to mind.
Do you believe in monogamy?: Yes, unless someone convinces me otherwise.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?: I think that's obvious from reading these pages.
Which living person do you most despise and why?: Bill Gates, for ruining everything that might have made this a better world. Also his customers, for deserving all they get.
Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?: No, but I've occasionally wished I could.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?: Fuck, fucking, fucked.
How often do you have sex?: Frequently or rarely, depending on how you define "often" and "sex".
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?: Never reveal too much about yourself on grotty web pages.

(With apologies to the Guardian Weekend.)

12th October 2003